Humor for Thanksgiving

Sometimes I am in a silly mood and have to write goofy stories. This is one of them. I suggest you read it out loud making the indicated noises – makes it even goofier than the written word.

The Strange Case of Tom and Tilly Turkey

The following is the Barnyard Investigation interviews’ actual transcripts concerning the disappearance of Tom and Tilly Turkey on November 25th. The lead BDI (Barnyard Detective Investigator) was Maxine Moo, helped by the special agent Billy Bull.

The first witness to be interviewed was Gilbert Goat.

Maxine Moo (MM): “Good afternoon, Mr. Goat. I’m sure you are aware of why you …”

Gilbert Goat (GG): “Oh, I am very aware of why I am here. Something Baaad had happened to Tom and Tilly. I knew as soon as I saw the blood on the stump in the barnyard later in the day that something very Baaad had happened to someone…”

MM: “Yes, well, Mr. Goat. What I’d like to know is when did you see Tom and Tilly last?”

GG: “Well, let me see. I guess it was the morning of the 25th. I’d noticed that there was a lot of activity going on at the Farmhouse. Mistress was even late feeding us, which isn’t like her. There were all sorts of wonderful smells wafting out from the Farmhouse kitchen – apples, which we got some scraps from when she did come to feed us.”

MM: “Yes, yes, go on, but when did you last see Tom and Tilly?”

GG: “Tom came out first from his nighttime coop. About ten minutes later, Tilly waddled out – between you and me – she had put on quite a few pounds recently. Of course, Tom was always a rather hefty guy, but he too looked a bit paunchy that day. If you ask me, I think it was because Mistress had been giving them extra corn in the last month. Anyway, Tom was strutting around muttering about how he had a baaad feeling about the coming days.”

Billy Bull: (Low voice) “A Bad feeling? Did he tell you why he felt like that?”

GG: (Looking at Billy Bull with surprise and then turned back to Detective Mooo.)” He said something about a platter and gravy, but I had no idea what he was talking about. Tilly was her usual silly self, searching the ground for any stray specks of corn that might still be eaten. She was clucking on about how Tom always thought the sky was falling.”

MM: “Go on – what happened after that?”

GG: “That was when Mistress came out to feed us goats. I don’t recall seeing Tom and Tilly after that.

MM: “Alright, thank you, Gilbert. You were very helpful.”

[Gilbert leaves muttering about the Baaad things that surely happened to the Turkeys.]

BB: “Well, boss, what did you think of that? Tom had a hunch that something terrible was going to happen that day.”

MM: “Let’s see if Peter Pony can shed some light on what happened to the Turkeys.”

[Peter Pony was led into the interrogation stall, and Billy Bull started his questioning]

BB: “How old are you, Peter?”

Peter Pony (PP): “Twenty- two years old. Lived here all my life. Know everyone, Seen everybody.  Nothing gets by meeeh (neigh).”

BB: “What can you tell us about the disappearance of Tom and Tilly Turkey?’

PP: “I had slept in on the 25th because I … well … I was kicking up my heels the night before, so I was late going out to the corral. It was then that I saw the Master coming out with his ax. He stood there in the Turkey coop yard, sharpening his ax. I knew then that someone was in Big Trouble.” [PP paused here to shake his head. He gulped and began again.] “Anyway, the Mistress came out then and started nagging on him to ‘get it over with.’ She needed to get the ‘Birds de-feathered if the children were to have Thanksgiving Dinner tomorrow.’ Well, I had heard such talk before, and I decided to make a run for the pasture as I didn’t want to be around anymore. I took off for the pasture, and as I did, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tom and Tilly rushing about in their enclosure looking very upset. I never saw them after that. They just disappeared.”

BB: “Thank you, Peter, for your eye-witness account.”

PP: “Like I said, nothing gets past Meeeh. [Neighs]”

MM says, “Things don’t look good for the Turkeys. We have one more eye-witness, Robbie Rooster. I’ll see if I can round him up.”

BB answers, “He’s probably strutting around the yard in front of his girls. He’s such a show- off.”

[The interrogation resumes after 10 minutes when BDI Moo returns with Robbie Rooster strutting proud as a peacock into the stall.]

RR: “I know what happened to those poor birds. I saw it with my own eyes,” he crowed  Er-er- aroo as he paced back and forth in the room.  [Er-er- aroo]

MM:” Please, could you sit down and tell us what you saw?”

RR: “Er-er-aroo, I saw the Master do it. I was sitting atop the barn watching out for Freddy Fox, who has been sneaking around this last week. I saw the whole thing happen! Er-er- aroo First, it was Silly Tilly. Took her by her feet and slammed her on the stump, then WHACK! Snapped her head right off with an ax. Just like that, he did! Terrible, it was …  Er – er – aroo.”

MM: [Gasping.] “The Master cut off her head?”

RR: “YES! Er-er- aroo! He had a hard time catching Tom, though. Unlike his wife, he knew what was happening. He ran the Master ragged chasing after him, but in the end, he caught poor Tom and WHACK! The same fate for him as for Poor Tilly.” Er-er- aroo

MM: [Shaking his head] “Such a shame; Such a lovely couple.”

BB: “Lose their heads; did they?”

RR: Er-er- aroo “Yep, then the next day, we see feathers blowing all around the yard and the smell of apple pies and a wonderful meat roasting. I’ve had my suspicions that it’s those birds, but I never really knew.” [ Robbie resumed his strutting pacing and crowing.]

MM: Thank you, Robbie, for clearing this case up. Your story was very mooo-ving.”

[Billy Bull and Maxine Moo watched Robbie proudly sashay back into the barnyard.]

BB: Well, boss, I guess that clears up the mystery as to what happened to Tom and Tilly.”

MM: “Sad business. Sad business, but it is the way of the barnyard, isn’t it?”

BB: “Detective Moo, at least we now know for sure that there was no foul play involved.”

Detective Moo sharply looked up at Billy Bull: “Yes, Agent Bull, At least we know there was no foul play. No Fowl play at all.”

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